The Unmentionables

I stopped in at a local running shop this week to browse and chat up the owner a bit. The new spring running clothes were in. The shoe wall called to me and almost convinced me to try on some new kicks. The owner and I talked about training, about marathons, about running groups, and about the weather. Of course.

When an actual paying customer came in, the owner excused himself and I spent a few minutes flipping through the running magazines near the counter. In addition to a fresh copy of Northwest Runner, the usual national suspects were present. So I grabbed one and did a little reading. A lot of beautiful people in perfect running clothes! A lot of sound advice for diet plans and injury prevention.

And a lot of advertisements for gizmos, gadgets and various goops.

Still nothing about the things we really want to know. I guess I don’t blame the slicks for not writing about the unmentionables, but aside from unfortunate personal experience, how is a runner to learn?

Have no fear. I don’t fear the unmentionable. Here we go…

What Are Those Red Spots on His Shirt Right Where His Nipples Should Be?

Well son, that would be blood. From the chaffing. Of his nipples. Which, if he is lucky, are still there. Stand at the finish of any distance race and you will see several poor souls triumphantly cross the finish line with the infamous bleeding nipples. I’ve never suffered the complete bleed-through like the chap in the photo above, but even without the blood loss, the chaffing is enough to only let it happen to you once. Stepping into the shower with chaffed nipples is not the most pleasant experience.

Why does it happen? Nipple chaffing happens most frequently on long runs and usually in races. It’s totally possible to go through an entire marathon training circuit and never have this happen to you. Then, at mile 18 in the race, you become “that guy.” First of all, check your shirt choice. Technical fabrics, especially those with an open weave (read: rough surface) are the worst offenders. But even if you run in those shirts all the time, it may only happen to you in a race. Why? The pinned on race number. Yep. The added weight of the number and the pins makes your shirt move around more than normal, and that movement turns into chafe.

I find it also happens more if I have a jacket or vest on over a technical shirt. And even more than that in the rain.

The solution? Don’t run. Duh. But if you must run, be generous with the Body Glide. Slather that stuff on. Don’t be shy. Some people find that compression tops solve the problem as well.

Does a Runner Poop in the Woods?

One of my running friends, who will remain anonymous for the moment, has a very minor case of incontinence. She can’t even laugh without peeing her pants a little, which we all find endearing and sweet. And when she runs, well…in races she just sort of lets it fly. Can’t blame her.  I’ve seen this tactic employed at just about every race I’ve entered.

But things get a little more serious when a runner needs to poop. If you have to, you have to, and there is a point of no return that most adults can’t remember because they don’t put themselves in the situation like runners do. But the combination of the impact of running, a runner’s diet, and the alarming lack of public restrooms in our world make it pretty likely that anyone who takes up running will find themselves doing the “duck walk” around a local park hoping against hope that the bathrooms aren’t locked for “maintenance.”

The good news is that with a relatively consistent diet and running plan, your body will train itself to shut down a bit while you are running distances. Beware though. Altering that plan too much can lead to disaster. The night before last year’s Tacoma Narrows Half Marathon I indulged in a little Thai food a lot too late into the evening. The race was an adventure in port-o-johns.

The bad news is that when it happens, it happens. And there is a point where you are reduced to begging someone to let you use their bathroom or to finding a discrete space in the great outdoors. I called around this morning on your behalf to learn the following, just in case:

Defecating in public is considered littering and is a misdemeanor. “Unless,” the friendly woman at the Lynnwood Police Department said, clearly reading from the state laws on the subject, “the amount is more than one cubic yard. Then it’s a gross misdemeanor.”

To say the least.

There was something else in there about indecent exposure, but I figured you all knew to be discrete.

The solution? Don’t run. Duh. But you do. So the best solutions are a combination of consistent diet (cutting back on the fiber the day before a long run is a good idea) and pre-planning. Get up early enough before a race or a long run to let your body’s systems do their job. And just like when you were a kid getting in the station wagon for a long road trip, go to the bathroom ONE MORE TIME before you leave the house. Just in case.

And as a side note, there is not a single public restroom anywhere in the city of San Francisco on a Sunday morning. Don’t ask me how I know this…

What’s That Smell?

I love technical fabrics. They wick moisture away from the body, they look good, they last a long time, and they are nice and light. But here’s something only your partner really knows: they stink. Not at first, but eventually they develop a funk that no amount of detergent can combat.

There is nothing that the owner of the stank can do to determine when the end is upon his or her favorite shirt. You need an honest friend or partner to tell you the lifespan has reached its end. If you’ve ever accidentally left a load of washed laundry in the washer for a couple of days, you know the smell.

And I’m sorry to the manufacturer and promoters of any product that claims to get the funk out of technical fabrics, but there is a point where it just isn’t possible anymore.

The solution? Run MORE. Ha. You thought I was going to say “don’t run.” The answer to this problem is so clear: run more events so you have more “free” shirts.

Or better yet, check out this site: http://promotionevents.com/Shirts/Home.htm where they are selling shirts from past local events for next to nothing. Go ahead, stock up.

Also, throw out the old. No one needs a nasty old shirt from the 2003 Seattle Marathon. Sorry. (Just don’t look in my “running shirt drawer”. Do as I say, not as I do.)

Your turn: Unbury those horrifying moments and share them with the Real Running Nation. You suffered so that others may learn. Click on "Comment" below and share your misery.