The Runner's Dictionary. Part One.

Oh jargon, where would be we be without you? How could we subtly alienate the people around us who aren't involved in our games, jobs, past times, relationships, addictions, clubs, and families without jargon?

How would we signal others that we belong to some tiny little part of their world if we didn't share some common language that belonged only to us?

Whether jargon primarily alienates or includes is an argument for another day. The fact is every sport or activity comes complete with its own vocabulary. And running is no different. This week, Real Running presents the first of a yet-to-be-determined number of selections from The Runner's Dictionary.

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Aid Station. (n) In a running race, an aid station is where the fuel is. Theoretically. For some reason there are always more of these, closer together, in the early stages of a race when you don't need them. Also for some reason, they always have the one favor of GU that you can't stand, followed by an energy drink you have never heard of but that tastes something like improperly mixed Crystal Light. Volunteers at aid stations secretly hate you for not being able to toss your paper cup into one of the dozen garbage cans along the route.

Body Glide. (n, proper). A magical substance, sold in the form of an underarm deodorant stick, that coats the skin to stave off chaffing. Seemingly expensive. Worth every penny. The author figured that if he plugged Body Glide often enough in his columns, maybe the company would notice and send him a free supply of their product.

Bonk. (v). (n). To inexplicably and undeniably run out of energy and the will to run even one more step at the current pace or effort. Bonking is usually associated with a lack of fuel and is most common on long training runs and in races such as a marathon or a half marathon. You know you have bonked when the mile before was perfect and the current mile feels ten times longer, the road ten times steeper, and your feet ten times heavier. In theory, one can "run through" a bonk and suffer to the end of the run. Dude, I was fine for 13 miles and they I epically bonked. See also: Hit the Wall.

Chafe. (v). (n). Skin abrasion caused by anything rubbing against the skin, including other skin. Usual locations: nipples, thighs, and crotch. Seldom noticed until the post-run shower. See also: Body Glide.

Cruise Control. (n). A runner on cruise control has labored through his or her warm up phase and has not yet reached exhaustion. When on cruise control, the runner feels as if the miles are shorter, the roads are flat, and the day a perfect one. On cruise control, one can seemingly run forever. This rarified condition is so rarely achieved that most runners believe it too be mythical, like Valhalla. Or Auburn. Cruise control running usually ends in a Bonk. I hit mile two and was totally in cruise control for a few miles. Then I bonked.

Fartlek. (n) A specific training technique with a weird name. Many new runners, having only heard this term and not seen it in print mistakenly think it is "fart lick," and assume it means to run really close to the ass of the person in front of of them, like drafting on a bicycle. You only have to try this technique once to be taught that indeed you are not supposed to run that close to someone you don't know. Fartlek literally means "speed play" in Swedish or something, which I find hilarious because "play" implies fun. And running is never fun. Anyway, fartlek running is unstructured speed work, in which a runner mixes intense speed effort with easy running at his or her whim. Yes, it is a real thing. Who knew? I don't want to do actual speed training, so instead I'll go out and do a fartlek.

Finkel. (n). A Finkel is a run of approximately five miles, or "five-ish." Fyvush Finkel is a well-known Jewish actor who, as far as we know, doesn't run. This term dates as far back as 2008, and has so far been limited to usage in my household. I'm heading out to do a quick Finkel. Be back in an hour.


Flats. (n) Racing shoes. Light, completely unsupportive, and typically gaudy in design, flats are meant for short distances and soft surfaces. But some of us are convinced that their light weight gives us enough of a performance boost to offset the inevitable stress fractures and shin splints that are a direct result of wearing them in long races.

Half Marathon. (n) A 13.1 mile race. An attainable goal for most every new runner, and a distance that is both challenging and physically reasonable. Research suggests that anything longer than this is ridiculous.

Hills. (n. pl) Flat running surfaces that are tilted up. No one knows why they exist or what their ultimate purpose is. Nor can anyone explain why the same hill is steeper on certain days than on others. Even more perplexing is how otherwise flat runs become uphill over time. See also: to school, both ways, in the snow.

Hit the Wall. (v). Similar to a bonk but with some nuanced and important differences. When one hits the wall, the run is over. There is no getting over or around the wall. When a runner hits the wall, he simply stops, sits down, and cries as first his calves, then his hamstrings, and finally his lower back cramp up and cripple him. In very rare cases runners hit an actual wall. Late in the Seattle Marathon last year, I watched as two stumbling runners, clearly working through an epic bonk weaved off course, tripped over one another and a curb of some sort, and careened into a concrete wall. Luckily there was an aid station nearby and a volunteer brought them a 4 ounce Dixie Cup of water and some Chocolate GU. I knew I was in trouble when my heart rate shot up, and then I just hit the wall.

-ish (suffix). Added to any mileage estimate, an "ish" allows the runner to leave room for an early bail-out or a lengthened run all while maintaining plausible deniability, the gold standard for the defense of any action. For example, a run of 8-ish miles can be anywhere from 6.5 to 10. Today's run plan is to do 6-ish miles and see how I feel.




Stay tuned for Part Two of The Runner's Dictionary next week! And as always, don't forget to check out my column in Northwest Runner Magazine. Do you have an entry for The Runner's Dictionary? Send it to me at gregsrealrunning@gmail.com