How to Get Hurt

How to Get Hurt

Both of my readers are aware that I am not great at staying healthy when I train. In fact, I’m really quite creative and excellent at getting hurt. There’s no secret to it really. For example, if I'm slated for a 10 miler, I run 12. If I'm supposed to run at 30 seconds over race pace, I run at race pace. Which, of course, is why I get hurt all the time. Doy. It’s simple.

Recently I was out in the blazing heat – which we haven’t had much of this summer in the Northwest – and noticed all sorts of runners out there. And not one of them seemed to be liming or dragging a foot or wearing all sorts of mechanical devices to patch their muscles and bones together. What gives? Why am I the only one out here in an ankle brace, knee brace, compression shorts, corrective shoes, a hernia belt and crutches? Don’t you people know that running is bad for your body?

I’m here to help. Getting injured really isn’t that hard if you stick to my plan.

• Set unreachable goals. This one is obvious. Why run at a reasonable pace and attack reasonable distances when you can get straight off the couch and enter a marathon? And don’t pick one of those flat, easy races that are held in the late spring. Pick a hilly race that takes place in late fall!
• Do more. Faster. Those training plans literally take weeks to complete. Why do that when you can get 60 miles in this week? If one long run a week is good, three are better! And why would you want to run those long miles so slowly? Get them over with. The faster the better!
• Don’t listen to your body. What does your body know? That pain in your right knee will go away on its own with a few more miles of running. It’s probably just tight anyway. Run a little faster and it will loosen up.
•  Ignore your doctor. You have to learn to translate for your doctor. “Stay off of it” means only run every OTHER day. Stay off of it when you aren’t running. “No running” means no races. Just training runs for you. “Wear this protective device” means purchase said protective device and wear it the first time you run after this appointment. Then you can leave it in the top drawer with that knee brace I prescribed last year. “See a specialist” means keep this business card in your wallet where you will see it every time you take out your credit card to pay for a race entry.
• Don’t stretch. You’ve never seen a cheetah stretch have you? And those things are super fast.
• Play favorites. Those old Brooks shoes have carried you 400 miles already, why quit now? They’re just getting comfortable! And that blood stain on the right one from when you stumbled and fell in mile 24 of last year’s Seattle Marathon is still there. You can’t throw away history.
•  Don’t rest. Rest is for the weak.
• Eat and drink whatever you want. You’re running dozens of miles a week! You’ve earned all that fat and alcohol. It’s people who don’t run who need to watch their diet. Not you. Order the French fries.
• Keep it to yourself. If you tell your friends about that nagging pain in your left foot, they will just tell you to take it easy and see your doctor. And we all know about what happens when you go see a doctor. (See #4)
• Forget your age. Running is the great equalizer. So what if you’re hovering around 40 years old, you can beat that 21 year old kid. Catch him. Do whatever it takes. Never admit that you are aging. Your body will hear this negative talk and want you to slow down. In fact, while you’re running like a 21 year old, why not go ahead and party like one too? (See #8)

Getting hurt really isn’t that challenging if you put your mind to it. With any luck, you’ll be limping to the starting line of the Seattle Marathon with me this November, hoping against hope that your surgically repaired body can make it through 26.2 miles of abuse without breaking down.